Well I should probably tell you a little about myself...
Born at a young age to a window cleaner and a pipe cleaner, my story starts
shortly after my two and a halfth birthday when I was misplaced in the East Bromsgrove branch of WH Smith. When eventually discovered playing happily in the propelling pencil aisle I was handed over to the local convent to be tutored in the ways of righteousness.
Here I remained for three blissful years learning to vent the tensions of life through the simple garden hoe. However after causing the Mother Superior to develop an extreme case of agoraphobia I was put up for adoption. Within days I was snapped up by two kindly shrews and a passing gibbon who I dazzled with my ability to shave poodles whilst juggling lemons.
At the age of twelve, I grew too large for their burrow and set off to discover the world beyond the far end of farmer Jones' field. This is when I met my lifelong friend Graham, a genetically engineered hybrid human created using the DNA of dandelions and the extremely rare Coelecanth fish, found only around the shores of Peru in late April. He was indistinguishable from a normal human until his twenty third birthday when he spontaneously grew a second leg and then exploded. Oh well, that's what you get for playing God innit?
Nowadays I live a quiet, meditative life of solitude. My only visitor is the local Rabbi who pays me an annual visit to wax my armpits with a fork in an ancient Latvian mind-focusing ritual.
To earn enough money to support my modest lifestyle, I work from home writing the nutrition information for leading brands of cornflakes. You have probably encountered some of my work in the past. I mean who can forget that crazy month in 1993 when the amount of niacin was raised to 3.4 mcg. That's 59% of the recommended daily allowance per hundred gram serving!
In my spare time, I enjoy grating parsnips in the hope that one day, I will collect enough scrapings to construct a full size model of my pet bison, Richard.