I Like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple of thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.

I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they started to decompose. It started to smell really bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber.

I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

The odour wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom, so I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Things Men Wish That Women Knew

1. If YOU think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
7. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
9. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
11. Crying is blackmail.
12. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
13. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
14. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
15. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
16. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
17. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
18. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
19. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
20. Check your oil. Please.
21. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
22. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
23. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
24. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
25. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
26. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
27. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
28. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
29. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
30. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
31. ALL men see in only 8 colors, like windows default settings. Peach for example, peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
32. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
33. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
34. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

Keeping A Healthy Level Of Insanity At The Office

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@asab.fdl.cc.mn.us
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Determine how many cups of coffee are 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping you car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don't use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
At lunch time sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
Honk and wave at strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
"What? Never mind. It's gone now."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Chat Up Lines For Everyday Use

1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop 'em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to f**k or should I apologize?
7. Wanna f**k like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. "I'll bet you 50p I can guess your bra size without touching your tits". Have a good feel and then give her the money.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go f**k myself again?
14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
15. You don't sweat much for a fat bird.
16. Would you like gin and platonic or do you prefer scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
20. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
22. A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. If you were the last woman and I was the last manon earth,I bet we could do it in public.
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what's one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna f**k?
30. You have some nice jewellery. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now f**k my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I'd look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I f**ked you yet?
44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer... want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a f**k?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. F**k me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen Tittsbottom?
56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
56. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
57. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
58. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
59. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or pink?
60. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?...(Yes)...From the inside?
63. Hi, how are you?
64. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
65. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
66. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna f**k?
67. I am a magical being, take off your bra.
68. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
69. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk?
70. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
71. I'm a hurdle do you want to jump me?
72. "What's the difference between a blow job and lunch?" "I dunno." "GREAT! Let's do lunch!"
73. COPS!! Spread em'.
74. Hey love, would you mind holding my pint while I go for a crap?
75. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
76. Nice legs...what time do they open?
77. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
78. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
79. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
80. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
81. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
82. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
83. Are those real?
84. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
85. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
86. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
87. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
88. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
89. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
90. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
91. Come on love, you're nothing special.
92. You're just a light switch away from Claudia Schiffer.
93. Excuse me I have lost my small dog, could you please help me find him? I think he may have run into this cheap hotel room.

The Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography Of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick