OK, so I received this as one of those big group mailing efforts like those ninety million question questionnaires to help you 'get to know your friends better' or 'find out what sort of person you are' or 'find out which muppet you are' and if you don't fill them in and forward them to eleven thousand people within the next eight seconds your screen will explode and melt your face. However this had two important differences to other email survey efforts:
1. It was written by the The General.
2. It was hence, good.
Feel free to copy it, fill it in yourself and send it round. In fact I will even post any worthy nations that get sent back to me on sPAMsPAMeGGaNDsPAM for all to see.
Ever said "If I ruled the country?" Well now you can. The idea is that you have magically been given your own island nation to do with as you please. Want the national anthem to be "Dancing Queen" by Abba... you got it. Want to make crack legal and possession of sandwiches punishable by death... fine.
1. What would your country be called?
2. How would your country be governed?
A cabinet of Daddys. All sat around in leather arm chairs sipping cold ones.
3. What would your title be?
His Mighty Spannifisence
4. What stuff would be included in the public sector?
Unemployment Benefit: Yeah
Health Care: Yeah but shorter queues and better drugs
Public Transport: Wouldn't have it. Everyone would just wander about in the sunshine 'cos I would control the weather with my meteorospanglewitzer and it'll be summer every day.
5. Would you have an army?
Yeah but just to look cool and do back flips and be invisible and infiltrate other countries weren't run by The Daddys to tutor their young in the ways of righteousness and spread the word of His Mighty Spannerifisence.
6. What would your flag be like?
A picture of Mr Cadbury's Parrot racing a speedboat through a river of fire.
7. What would your national anthem be?
Minimum Wage by They Might Be Giants
8. Who would you make knights of the realm?
9. What would be the national dish?
Anything cooked over a barbecue or other naked flame.
10. What would the national dress be?
For blokes - shorts with lots of pockets and shirts saying 'Hey relax guy' on the back.
For the masculinely challenged - grass skirts and long flowing hair always cunningly covering naughty bits like wot it does on telly.
11. What would the national sport be?
Stair luge (mattress, flight of stairs, I'm sure you can figure the rest out).
12. Would you have any national holidays?
My birthday and yer mam's birthday
13. What would the currency be?
Ten badger teeth are worth one whelk elbow.
Five whelk elbows are worth one chicken lip.
Twenty chicken lips are enough to buy a small villa on the fashionable south coast of the island.
14. Age of consent? (Straight & Gay)
Sixteen seems fair.
15. Substances allowed (And legal age)?
Alcohol: Yep - 18
Tobacco: Yep -18 but smoking only permitted in designated rodent infested
Marijuana: Maybe in cake/cookie form - 18
Hard Drugs: Not a charnce
Miscellaneous: No tip-ex - just draw a line through it and write the word again.
16. Speed limit and speed cameras?
No cars or public transport on my island, missus.
17. Legal or not?
Public Nudity: Yeah it's only chuffing social rules that say we can't.
Owning Firearms: No, same with explosives except fireworks which the Daddys will let off on special occasions.
Gay Marriages: If you love each other
Polygamy: If all parties are down with it.
Incest: We ain't that progressive.
Cloning: Nooooo. Not down with playing God
Designer Babies: Ditto
Death Penalty: Should never be necessary - if anyone's a hoser I'll deport them before they start any hassle.
Miscellaneous: Worshipping false idols is ok as long as they have sensible/amusing teachings.
Coveting thy neighbours ox is punishable by electrolysis - electrodes are attached to your face and you are used to power a proportion of the island for three months.
18. Most wanted list?
My dissertation supervisor - if captured she is to have her moustache plucked out by shrews.
Will Young - For crimes against The Doors. I had no problem with the guy 'til he started freestyling over 'Light My Fire'.
So Solid Crew - 'cos damn. If found they are to be buried a mile under the sea bed in a ten metre cubed box with proper sanitation, beds, a lifetime supply of air, food and water and their music playing on continuous loop. After a few years they may come to realise that they shouldn't have bothered.
19. Any special laws?
Asking me how tall I am - Marilyn Manson made to sit on your face for ten minutes.
Dissing my homies - Punishable by being told to relax guy and buying the next round.
20. What would the climate of your island be?
Hot but not too hot. Always sunny except at night and at solar eclipses (bi-monthly - controlled by me with my lunarospanglewitzer).
Snowy at the top of the mountain so we can ski but shorts weather everywhere else.
21. What would the geography of your island be?
Beaches, cliffs, a big forest, beaches, one mountain with snow on the top, several fresh rivers, beaches.
22. Who is allowed on your island?
Buffy, Jessica Alba, Cat Deeley, Shaggy (as long as he didn't claim me ladies). All my friends.
23. Who is not allowed on your island?
Insects 'cos I can see them hiding out in my forest ready to suck the life juice from my subjects.
Most people from my old high school.
Anyone from my most wanted list.
Those people that want you to sue your boss 'cos you were dopey enough to slip on a baked bean at work.
24. Any other random crap?
Everyone will be either a farmer or a hunter or a cook or a teacher or a builder or a Daddy. There will be no administrators using up valuable resources whilst doing jack-s**t to help.
Energy provided by wind farms and electrolysis (as explained above).
Now test your mettle as a ruler with some problems that may present themselves.
25. You have pissed some of the citizens off big time and an angry mob has come to replace you. Do you:
(A) Sulk a bit and give in.
(B) Soothe them with calming words.
(C) Kill the mangy peasant scum.
ANSWER: B - I'd tell them to relax guy and join me in a cold one and possibly a sandwich.
26. Today your appointments as ruler includes going to an orphanage to be presented with pictures made of pasta by cross eyed children who smell of sick and then going to an old peoples home to be regaled with war stories from grey haired coffin dodgers who smell of wee. You have just found out that your favourite film star is in the country for the day and wondered if
it would be possible to arrange dinner with the exalted leader.
(A) Attend your duties like a fine upstanding ruler.
(B) Feign illness like the weasel that you are and paint the town red with the sexy celeb.
ANSWER: B - I'd see the kids and old folks another day 'cos I'm nice like that. Although Spannerificus wouldn't have old folks homes, everyone would get old very gracefully, maintaining full bladder control and then just croak sudden-like.
27. Would you (and be honest) use your status to get laid?
(D) Don't see why not.
(E) Probably but I would feel bad after.
ANSWER: E - Although if a lady just happens to be drawn towards my success and power then it's hardly my fault is it?
28. Officials have said you can host the Olympics/World Cup/Grand Prix in your country meaning big bucks and big parties, however you are running
a bit low on space and the only place you could put the stadium would be in the middle of a forest full of endangered species. Would you:
(A) Do the right thing and decline.
(B) Sod the tree hugging crap and let the party begin.
ANSWER: A - I'm the big boss, I'd just go and watch it wherever it was hosted and party there instead.
29. A tabloid photographer catches you sharing an intimate moment with a goat. Do you:
(A) Take the shame.
(B) Use national funds to bribe him.
(C) Have him killed, after all the secret service have got to earn their keep somehow.
ANSWER: A - Everyone should love nature.
30. After all this do you still want to be ruler?
ANSWER: Too damn right.